There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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