I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
