Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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