My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
