Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
