Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
