It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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