wat bout pragnant strippers??
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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