Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You are a genius and a whore.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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