I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
