Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She announced her abortion via fbk
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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