My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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