So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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