yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
