your parents love me but you hate me
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
