I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
