i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize