Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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