Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
