dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
