She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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