Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
