remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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