omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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