Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
