then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
