OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
