you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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