They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
