i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
In other news, I just burned my penis
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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