So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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