you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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