Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
