My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
