I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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