It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
