There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize