And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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