Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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