with your own penis?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
