I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
