i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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