I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
