why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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