THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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