I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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