Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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