connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
