i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
