I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
