I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
