my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
