John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
