My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
