You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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