Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
