Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
